To want, to have, to need, to love.

Going back always brings back too many memories. Even though most of those memories are good ones, it just seems to make the bad memories feel even worse.
I don't know how, after so long, I still let myself think back, I don't want to forget the past, because it is what builds our future, but I do want to be able to let go, I want to move on.
I know he moved on, I, on the other hand can't seem to, or maybe somewhere inside me I just don't want to.
Sometimes I wish that time would pass by faster, I want to actually do something with my life, I want to have a life, at the moment I seem to be in a vicious circle, the constant feeling of being in a situation in which the apparent solution of one problem in a chain of circumstances creates a new problem and increases the difficulty of solving the original problem.
I want to have order in my life, a clear view of what I am doing. I want to jump head first into the future, without the need to look back or remember the past. I want to have the whole little girl dream, of having a big house, a husband, children, the fancy car, the money and I know I can achive all of those things, but at the moment I feel more and more distant from achiving all of those desires of mine. How do I get closer to any of those things? Is there a solution? Or do I just have to "sit back and enjoy the ride", as they say, whilst fate and destiny do their thing, whatever that may be.
Who knows, all that I know is that I can't just sit back and not do anything about all these problems created around me, I need to be lucky this time, this time, I need something to appear and make me realise that good things do come to those who wait, who knows the change might even be linked to my emotional feeling. In relation to my emotional feeling, well, I can't really do much about that, I'm not sure about what I feel, for who I feel, because the minute you think you have found someone absolutly perfect for you, you immediately start to notice everything that is wrong with that person and after that you have to realise that after all that person is not the person you want to be with, even if you love him.
The love of your life is almost never your lifelong love, because love maybe all there is, and love is never enough.

SMK. x

For you.

For you I would  rip my heart from my chest. Eviscerated, I am. And if I could, I would plunge my fingers through my chest and rip out my heart and give it to you. A pulpy mass of morbid diathesis. In addition to my heart, there are small organs I want to give you, glands. sweetbreads. variety meats.

... And tonight, there is a hole in my heart, because everytime I look at you I feel so completely dismantled - You broke my heart.